It's so hard…the hardest thing about how I feel right now is the feeling of not knowing where I belong. If it's part of human nature to fear uncertainty, then I am acting in accordance with human nature. I have this strange feeling of not know where I'm supposed to be…where do I fit in in this world? What exactly is my niche? How can I actively pursue everything that makes me happy without feeling like I'm neglecting something? Sighh….

And don't even get me started on this recurring lonely feeling…this lonliness that seems to follow me everywhere…whether I'm alone in a five bedroom house in Avalon Park, in crowded café full of artists and art-lovers alike listening to spoken word, among friends in a first floor one bedroom apartment on Americana, in Battery Park in downtown Manhattan, or in my momma's living room watching Youtube videos on my laptop…I feel lonely. Without fail. At night I go to my bed wondering what is wrong with me, wondering if it's strange to feel lonely no matter what I do or who I'm with…if their is something wrong with me..if I should be content with my current relationship status…I wonder all the time about why I can't fully accept and embrace my singleness…It's like I'm constantly wanting to love and be loved by a significant other, constantly thinking about the last relationship I was in, however brief, however young, however short-lived it was, constantly wanting that feeling back..wondering if such happiness will ever grace my heart again. I understand that I am supposed to live my life and have fun and be patient and wait for my King to come, but 5 years is a lonnnnggg time to be patient…I don't want to end up "settling" for just any ole dude that takes interest in me just because "it's been a minute." No. I remember what happened the last time I did that and it wasn't pretty. I just wish I knew how to cope with it all in the meantime…and on the flipside, I don't want to be making something out of nothing with every single guy that I end up taking interest in..the last thing I want is to go through another unrequited love/like/lust situation. Again, I remember what happened the last  time I was in that position, and it really isn't my cup of tea or coffee. SIGH.

I guess you could say I'm tired. Simply tired of the run around, the BS, the feeling like I should be in a relationship and I'm not…the feeling that God is trying to tell me I'm not ready when everything in me is screaming to just please STOP MAKING ME WAIT…Lord I know that you have a blessing in store for me, but I don't think I have it in me anymore to wait…I don't think that I can handle another year of what I've been going through in the relationship department for the past four…and all I keep thinking is maybe I'm not patient enough, but I think this is all taking a toll on me…because every time  I forget that I'm single…meaning every time I forget about my desire to have a man and just have fun, that lonely feeling creeps up on me and I can't even shake it anymore…

Plain and simple, I want to love and be loved by a man. A man who is my own, as I am his own.  I think since I don't have that right now, I compensate by showing my friends extra love…I think this year I have reached out to people more than ever, and if I'm honest with myself, I think it's partially because I'm displacing the caliber of love I would give my significant other onto the friends and family in my life…it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's showing me that there truly is an element of my life that's missing. I don't care about what anyone else may say, being in a relationship (or not being in one) plays a role in my mental and emotional well being, and I'm not too happy. I'm catching myself wanting what other people have, lusting after men even after I've found out they're taken, flirting and displaying "swift" tendencies with any dude I'm remotely attracted to…I'm even starting to sound like the beginnings of a bitter woman AND I HATE IT. Because that's not me. I feel like the person I am right now is not me…and I'm not saying I need a man to be myself, that's totally NOT it…I'm saying that there is something off about me right now…something completely wrong and I have no idea what it is…and my relationship situation is not making it any better…

I dunno. I'm just lost right now. I truly don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or where I'm supposed to be going, but I hope that whatever my future brings includes a loving relationship. Because I'm tired. The flirting and swiftassness all means nothing to me now because at the end of the day I still go home alone. I'll pay attention when someone comes to me with sincerity and genuine interest. Until that happens I'm done. I dunno what I'm gonna tell the hormones because sassiness is NO JOKE, but I suppose I'll take it one day at a time. I'm just sooo done and frustrated and fed up. Sigh.

Such is life.

~GINA~

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE FINALLY BACK TO NORMAL!!! RECEPTION HERE I COME!!!! LOL

~GINA~

Omg, reception comes with consequences yo....

sigh....

i had a good ass time on thursday, ain't gon' LIE (lol), but now i got lady problems and they're no bueno...

i promise you, dudes have it so fuckin easy, they don't go through any of the shit we as women go through on the regular smh...

i've been drowning myself in apple cider vinegar and chompin on raw garlic...i need relief FAST (i think it's working..? we'll see in the morning)

in other news..

I SAW MATT TODAY!!! YAY!!!

omg i missed him soooo much...we were like two peas in a pod...sooo happy he's back in Orlando

~GINA~